So in three sleeps my daughter turns 4! I've been sort of having these moments of nostalgia and thinking how in four very seemingly short years how much of my life has changed. I am 32 years old and it feels like anything before the last four years barely existed.
What exactly was life like before kids? Was there really a period in my life that I got to go to the bathroom by myself? Was there really a time when I got to wake-up on my terms and do the things that I wanted to do? Was there any other time in my life that it ever felt this real?
I can honestly say that there are some seriously great memories in my life before my children came into this world. Not one moment in my life came even remotely close to the feeling I had, when the morphine finally wore off, and I realized I had my beautiful baby girl in my arms.
I have some regrets from the past 4 years. There are plenty of times I didn't handle being a parent as well as I could have. There were days where I planted my children in front of the TV so I could simply just ignore them for a while, times I yelled and screamed instead of showing them love, times that they got fed over an hour past our regular meal times with a meal of cheese, goldfish and a banana because I just couldn't for the life of me get up the energy to make dinner, times I locked myself into the bathroom for 10 minutes just for some peace and quiet (usually when I have an important phone call to make..."Is there an echo in there?) I somehow don't think I'm alone. With all these negative moments though there are tens of thousands of moments where it was done right.
I always believed that I would be such an amazing mom. I've always loved kids, their imaginations, and their ability to look at the positive in life no matter what the situation. I could relate to it. Once kids fell in my life (snort there was no falling...more like hours of pushing) I found that I was a much more selfish person than I originally thought. I found days where I was resenting the fact that I didn't have a moment to myself, where I could no longer get up in the morning and go for a run without a huge hassle, where I could go out to a restaurant and eat my meal without all the screaming, yelling and downright rottenness.
I was talking to my mom the other day. She said that she always felt the same way, that maybe she was too selfish and wasn't the best mom she could be. I'd have to say that my opinion is completely the opposite. I felt my mom was amazing, she was brilliant (always one step ahead of me), compassionate and loving, fun, involved and seemed to include me in everything. I think it's so hard to know what kind of impact you are making on your kids because you're so wrapped up in your own brain and expectations.
I could not imagine my life without my children and nor would I want to. No matter what kind of good days and bad days we have in the years to come I wholeheartedly believe they are going to be the best days of my life and it's all because my kids are in them. I'm going to try hard not to waste these moments because I know they aren't going to last forever. There is going to be a time soon in my life when I'm no longer the most important person to them in the world but they always will be to me!